In the Shadow of Virtue: Nobody's Fault but Mine

[Galen]

I couldn't sleep.

This hadn't happened to me in a long time. Normally, these days, I slept well. But not lately. Not tonight. Virtuebane's assaults had been wearing me down. Thankfully, the Squire of Newcastle, John, had been able to stand in for me sometimes. That was part of the point, I guessed. To wear us down.

It was cold outside. There was no snow in my corner of Malas this year, but there may as well have been. The chill came through the log walls of my house. It didn't really, I don't think. The walls were pretty solid. I just felt like it did. The house was probably quite warm, for real. I just FELT cold.

I stood beside the fire, sipping Joylah's tea. The house seemed cold, and empty, and still, though I knew it was none of the three. I thought of the two women who shared me, and of the honor bestowed upon me by the Crown, and the honor the High Council had considered, and I smiled, and began to feel warm. Pride. Such an interesting Sin.

And then I thought of Virtuebane's invasion, of those skeletal, demonic minions, and of the Magincian Crusade and of the pale woman, one of Virtuebane's followers, who sneaked around behind us and collected our blood off the ground. At this, I grimaced, and felt cold again.

An old human religious song sang itself, again and again, in my head.

Nobody's fault but mine
Nobody's fault but mine
If I die and my soul be lost
Nobody's fault but mine

It was cold outside, and I was cold, and yet my blood boiled, and with fever, not with passion. This was how I felt in the Abyss, boiling cold, but with the coming of Virtuebane's attacks I'd felt it more and more.

I could see no pattern in the attacks, not in the locations. They seemed as random in their locations as patterned in their timing. We had driven back every attack, but for how long could that last. Each time they got smarter and more numerous, and our own numbers dwindled.

And there was so much blood.

I remember one fight quite clearly, me and a young Samurai chasing, and being chased by, two Virtuebane guards, and innumerable of the Chosen, around the Vesper tavern. Running around in circles, like children, except there were swords and demons and blood; not play, but real.

And the song continued.

I had a mother who could pray
I had a mother who could pray
If I die and my soul be lost
Nobody's fault but mine

I heard my wife creeping down the stairs. “I've reached that age, Alasse,” I said to her.

“What age, melamin?”

“The age where I can't blame things on other people anymore.”

She laughed at me. “Ohtar, to hear you tell it you reached that age long before I even got you in bed, let alone to the alter.”

“True. But I mean it this time.”

“Mmmhmm. And, let me guess, you have a bad feeling about.....Well, everything!” Her eyes twinkled as she teased me. I could see it even though my back was still turned.

They were both so beautiful and so strong, these two women who willingly shared me. So different in most ways, and in some ways so similar. Was this pride I felt?

I got a Bible in my home
I got a Bible in my home
If I don't read it and my soul be lost
Nobody's fault but mine

I still felt cold. I sipped the tea. Joylah's steps towards me were silent yet I somehow heard them, and I smiled.

Blood, I thought.... Always blood. Virtuebane, I knew, needed human blood to build his temple. The Crusade was a risk, a risk I was aware of. It gave him blood. But there was little choice. We could not afford to huddle in our homes and pray their ambitions would not extend beyond Magincia, and wait for them to come take our blood anyway, our pleas for mercy laughed at.

I got an imp on my back
I got a big imp, on my back
If I don't change my ways tonight
Nobody's fault but mine

“Come to bed, Galen.” Joylah let her nightdress fall open a bit, and she leaned against me.

“Alasse?”

“Uma, melamin?”

“Mankoi ilyamenie agar?”

“Agar na coia, melamin.”

“Uma. Nan....”

“N'uma, melamin. Agar na coia. That's really all there is to know....That's really the only reason.”

“Why are the bad things always simple, and the good things always complicated?”

She chuckled at me. “Mmm. You are many things, my husband. A child isn't one of them, I'm not sure it ever was. That's a child's question.”

“I suppose it is.” I sat down in a chair by the fire. She sat on top of me, curling up on my lap.

“Galen.....You can go to her if you want.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well....You aren't sleeping here.....And you need to sleep.”

I shook my head, and kissed my wife deeply. “No. Though, since I'm not sleeping anyway.....May as well take you upstairs and ravage you.”

“Mmm....But, karythar-amin, going upstairs would waste too much time...”

Nobody's fault but mine
Nobody's fault but mine
If I die and my soul be lost
Nobody's fault but mine